First, Love Yourself

Well, the first bit of news is that I have just turned in my paperwork to be able to graduate in May. I can't believe it's finally in sight. I never thought I would graduate from college. I always hoped, but with the start to adulthood I had, it never seemed very likely. Now I just want to stand on a hill and scream into the wind that I did it, that I am worth more than anyone ever thought. I'm the first in my family to have an education beyond high school, and that is an accomplishment.  The second bit is about my surgery. I'm having it on December 19th, at 12pm. It will take place at Tacoma General, and I will probably be in the hospital for a few days. I should be out in time for Christmas, though. I'm having a hysterectomy, and there is a possibility that if the financial aid covers it, I may also be having some plastic surgery that is medically necessary to enable the surgeons to get to my uterus. If I do, it would entail removing most of the excess fat from my...

There are so many things going on that are diverting my attention from school work. I hate not being able to focus, and it's really starting to get to me.  First, my grandfather is dying. He's had Parkinson's Disease for several years now, but it's progressing swiftly, and he's now confined to a hospital bed in his living room. Hospice care has been arranged for him, and my father is making funeral arrangements. It's all very surreal to me. He's been a rather formidable presence in my life, and has always been so vibrant and present of mind. It's difficult to see him suffer so, and I wish that he would go quickly if for no other reason than that his quality of life is so depleted. My family spent all of Sunday together to have a final family get together. He's not expected to make it to Christmas. My dad has asked me to sing at the funeral, but I'm not sure I can. It's difficult to sing and cry at the same time.  Today, I had an ultrasound to...

So much is going on.  First, Oktoberfest season is here, which means I see little of my husband. He's so busy, and he gets into this depression/angst mode during this time of the year. Everyone expects so much of him, and he begins to really feel the pressure. Likewise, the stress of the school year is really catching up to me. I am nervous and rather scared about writing my capstone paper. I feel like I haven't read enough, or learned enough, and I'm kind of jumping the gun. Part of that is self-imposed, and part of it is real; I wish I could find more confidence to really get it done. I find that when I feel this way, I often self-sabotage, and procrastinate. I'm trying desperately not to do that. I'm starting to realize, too, that I have taken on a lot more this year than I probably should have. I wish that I had thought it through a little more carefully before choosing my activities, but I also know that I am the type of person to not quit something I have begu...

I was reading a blog a bit earlier, and for the first time ever I saw "autistic" used as an epithet for stupidity. I can admit that I am one of those people that used "gay" and "retarded" in that context before, but in recent years, as my understanding of the way it makes other people feel increases, I have made a conscious effort never to say them. I even find myself getting offended at those that do.  I'm not sure how I actually feel about this. The post using the term was one where I don't think he realizes what he is saying to the world at large. I think he genuinely meant to bear some good by his post. But I think I'm actually offended. I mean, my son is autistic. He's a relatively mild case, but he's certainly nowhere in the vicinity of stupid, and I take exception to "autistic" being used in that context.  Just think...if we all thought before saying things that might really hurt someone, or affect someone adversely, we...

Well, Orientation is tomorrow. That means that all the work I have been doing this summer is finally either going to pay off or not be enough to make it successful. I hope it's the former and not the latter. I'm so excited about all the changes that happened with Orientation this year. I'm getting really good feedback so far, and I'm getting some great feedback about On The Road too. That's Saturday, though.  I spent all day at the office today, and I still feel like I could have done more. I even brought some stuff home with me. I sometimes wonder if I wasn't really meant to be an event planner. I love doing it so much, although I do have to admit I'm getting tired of planning this week! I feel calm right now, but I know it's just the moments before insanity. I'm grateful to have the chance to do this, and so many amazing things are happening for me this year that are so exciting. I can't wait to work on it all! I'm ready for classes to get ...

This past week has been a week of breaking down, and building back up. I began the Student Leadership Institute on Wednesday with the idea that it would be good for me to learn some new leadership skills and to learn more about the people around me. I got far more out of it than I ever imagined I might.   Wednesday began normally enough. I went to school, sat through the opening of SLI, and had a good first half of the day. But then we went to lunch, and I just couldn't shake this feeling I was having, and three words kept beating time through my head..."learn, unlearn, relearn." We came back to the session after lunch, and I found myself having a harder time with each new activity we began. I wanted to participate, but having been inside myself and insular for so long, I was uncomfortable in the space, and I really just wanted to go somewhere a little less populated. I wanted to be able to compose myself and come bak to things. But there was no opportunity to do so. And ...

Today was such a lovely specimen of a day! First, my children went to my sister's (which NEVER happens, btw) and spent the night there. Then, Toby and I made the drive up to Seattle, where he was to be playing with the Smilin Scandinavians (check them out, they have myspace). We got to the Odd Fellows hall a bit late, but still in time to be on time to play. Shawn & Cate Roller were there, Shawn plays with Toby occasionally. There were others there, but not terribly many. The gig was a charity benefit for the SOS Children's Fund. But, I digress. Cate and I didn't want to just sit there for several hours, and we were hungry, so we made our way a few blocks down to the local Pho restaurant, Than Brothers (Pho+Cream Puff=Happiness!). We had a great lunch there, and walked back to the hall just in time for the boys to be ending their first set. The Bavarian band that was switching turns with them were on next, and they were ok. Toby's better...maybe I'm biased. Prob...

So, school starts in about a week (ish). I have to say I am not terribly ready for it, and I am starting to get a bit nervous about everything I have to do before it does start. The kids go back a week before me (Sept 2), which makes things a bit easier, but not that much.  I noticed it's actually been a while since I've blogged in here, but it's not as if anyone reads this anyway. I did eventually get enough in financial aid to cover tuition and books for this year. I won't be able to get a meal plan, but it was always something secondary anyway.  Summer is coming to a close, and I feel like it's barely begun. It's kind of strange. I don't usually work in the summer, so it's felt as if there has been no real break between classes and work. I have loved having the job that I do this summer, though. Planning On The Road has been a great experience for me, and I know that if I chose I could fall back on event planning as a career if I truly dislike teachin...