So much is going on. 

First, Oktoberfest season is here, which means I see little of my husband. He's so busy, and he gets into this depression/angst mode during this time of the year. Everyone expects so much of him, and he begins to really feel the pressure. Likewise, the stress of the school year is really catching up to me. I am nervous and rather scared about writing my capstone paper. I feel like I haven't read enough, or learned enough, and I'm kind of jumping the gun. Part of that is self-imposed, and part of it is real; I wish I could find more confidence to really get it done. I find that when I feel this way, I often self-sabotage, and procrastinate. I'm trying desperately not to do that.

I'm starting to realize, too, that I have taken on a lot more this year than I probably should have. I wish that I had thought it through a little more carefully before choosing my activities, but I also know that I am the type of person to not quit something I have begun. So I will persevere, I just felt the need to whine for a moment. On top of all this, my kids are having birthdays this month, which means birthday parties. I love doing it for them, but it's just another added stressor. 

The biggest thing going on right now is that I am experiencing some medical uncertainties. I have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, and because of it I don't have regular cycles the way most women do. I generally go a couple of years between cycles, and then occasionally I will have one that doesn't stop. Last year, I had to have a surgical procedure to stop it. When I had the surgery last year, they found several pre-cancerous polyps, which indicates that I am at a great risk for uterine cancer. Well, I'm at that point again. I have been on a cycle for over three weeks now, and I am seeing a specialist on Wednesday. I have to confess that I am afraid. When I went to the doctor on Friday, I was told that I am exhibiting all the signs of the early stage of uterine cancer, and if it's far enough gone, it's incurable. I am floored right now. I just want some answers, damn it! I feel completely and utterly out of control of anything in my life at the moment, and I just want to understand what is going on. Is that so much to ask? 

I wasn't going to write about this. I was going to just leave it be for the moment, and wait until I have definitive answers. To not jump to conclusions. But I can't seem to help it. I've never really considered the fact that I am going to die someday, and I feel like for the first time it is close to me. I'm afraid, and I can't stop thinking about everything that is still undone in my life. I can't stop thinking about what would happen to my children if I were gone. My ex-husband is wholly unprepared to be a full-time parent, and Toby wouldn't be able to keep them. It makes me want to hold on and never let go. I've been crying for two days, and I can't seem to stop. Maybe I'm being overly-dramatic. It's not something that I generally do, but I can't seem to stop it right now. I need to get all of these feelings out, and maybe be able to get on with homework for the weekend. 

So, that's it. I feel a bit better, but I'm still freaking out a bit.  I think I will go take a shower, make a cup of tea, and try to focus myself some. 

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