Instability and Other Issues

I seem to be averaging one post a month lately. That really should change. 

To catch you up, dear readers, my surgery went well, and I am recovering nicely. No word on the tumors yet, and whether they were benign or not, but I am managing to mostly not worry about them. They are out of my body, which means they are no longer harmful to me. I am grappling with the realization that my childbearing days are over, and although I am not sure I ever wanted to have another child, it's hard to reconcile myself to the fact that I couldn't even if I wanted to. Perhaps that seems silly, but I've been told it's a common way to feel after a hysterectomy--especially for someone so young. My emotions regarding all this are more than the loss of my womanhood, although that is certainly a large part. 

This is my second bout with cancer. I have been incredibly lucky both times in that it has been caught very early. But I can't help worrying what might have happened. Maybe it's melodramatic of me, but I worry that my daughter will have to go through her life without me. I have observed a very close friend deal with the loss of her mother so young, and although I never really had much of one to begin with, I think it's harder losing someone that has always been there. For the first time in my life, I realize that I am not going to live forever. I have to make the best of what I have right now, and make it work. I have to be the best that I can be right now, and love the ones closest to me right now. Because tomorrow may not always be an option. 

Moving directions, my Capstone process is complete, nearly. I gave my presentation, and was very happy with the way it went. I was proud of the work I gave, and that of my colleagues as well. The Capstone class was one of those life-affirming sorts of things. It was one of those rare moments of harmony and of people coming together as a common good. It was, by far, my best collegiate experience to date. I miss it already, and especially I miss the people in it. My paper was another story. I feel that the first part was solid and really worked. But the latter part of the paper was rushed and I feel like I could have done better work. I would have liked more time on it, but I didn't manage my time as well as I might have. I'm in the process of revision now, to submit it for our anthology, so at least I will have some closure. Overall, though, I am happy with what I did in that class, and I think the B+ was well-deserved. 

There are several things to do this month while I recover from surgery. I am going to take the GRE, and submit my application to graduate school. I'm going to finish this paper, and turn it in for submission, and I am going to continue reading for my Independent Study next semester. 

The new year is here, and although I don't really make resolutions, I want to make one this year. I want to be content with who I am and confident in my ability. I have been slogging through a lot of family issues in the last year, a lot of personal issues, and a lot of school-related issues. I want to try to reconcile everything in this year, and try t make myself a more whole, well-rounded person. I deserve that. I am proud of who I have become, and I am amazed that with the hard work I have put in, I will soon be a college graduate--something no one in my family has ever done. I have sacrificed many things to get to this place, and I deserve to revel in it a little bit. But not too long, for I have many things yet to do. 

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