Frustration in its Many Forms
I'm having some trouble concentrating on much of anything today. I think it's because I am fixated on a lot of the things that are really frustrating me. I'm hoping that if I can get them all out in my journal, I can move on with what I need to get done today (read: homework).
First, finances. It's no secret that Toby and I struggle mightily with money issues. We work hard, we don't take the easy way out of anything, yet we are always coming up short. In several ways. It frustrates me to no end that other people can just repeatedly go through life not working hard, not trying to take care of others, not fulfilling their own potential; yet, they always seem to land on their feet. Take my ex-husband, for example. The man doesn't have to be a real parent (although Nathan now wants to live with him, because he is way more fun than we are), he doesn't have to get a car because I do all of the transporting, and he doesn't have take on any real responsibility. Yet he can play whenever he wants, afford to do fun things with the kids, and have no real worries. Yes, I'm whining about it. No, I don't care.
School. That's another source of frustration for me right now. I feel like I've spent the last year of my life taking classes that are virtually useless to apply to my career. Not only that, but the profession I chose to go into is, of course, experiencing a setback due to our ever-crappy economy. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough, smart enough, or experienced enough for what I'm doing. I fear I'll never get a teaching job, especially when I see people around me who, in my opinion, shouldn't be going into the teaching field at all, getting them. It makes me want to rip out all of my hair. I feel like if I don't find a job very soon, I will have failed. More on that later.
Faith. I am really struggling with faith right now. I feel as if I'm drifting in a lot of ways, and the impending end of my educational career is not helping that any. I guess I feel that if I can find some grounding, that might help this feeling. I want to find a church. I am hoping that if I can find some place to feel like I fit in, the transition between school and career might not be so difficult. The relationship I am experiencing with my family is not helping this feeling any right now, either. Also, I have always felt like church on Sunday mornings was a good opportunity to find some peace and centering within myself. It was a chance to reflect on choices I've made throughout the week, think about where I wanted to go for the week to come, and resolve to move on toward that goal. Yes, I know it's possible to do that in some other application, but I have yet to do so. It's so difficult to do things like that when you have a family and life is always so demanding. My biggest frustration is that I am really apprehensive about going to church (especially a new one) alone. I keep asking Toby to go with me, and he says he will, and then backs out at the last minute. I'm going to quit asking. It's obvious that it isn't as important to him, and really, if it were THAT important to me I would go alone. I know that.
Lastly, family. While this is a constant source of frustration for me, there is a silver lining. I am working to distance the relationship I have with my father and stepmother. I am tired of feeling like the heavy in the relationship and I also feel as if I'm constantly being used, berated, and neglected by them. They really don't want to know who I am, they just want what they can get from me. Not anymore. On the other hand, it's been a big awakening for me. And my relationship with my mother is changing for the better. I honestly feel closer to her right now than I ever have. And it's happened literally in the span of about two months. Amazing.
I try very hard not to whine about my situation. For the most part, it's due to the choices I've made and how I've reacted to them. But every now and then, I just need to let out what bothers me and hope it makes me feel better for having done so.
First, finances. It's no secret that Toby and I struggle mightily with money issues. We work hard, we don't take the easy way out of anything, yet we are always coming up short. In several ways. It frustrates me to no end that other people can just repeatedly go through life not working hard, not trying to take care of others, not fulfilling their own potential; yet, they always seem to land on their feet. Take my ex-husband, for example. The man doesn't have to be a real parent (although Nathan now wants to live with him, because he is way more fun than we are), he doesn't have to get a car because I do all of the transporting, and he doesn't have take on any real responsibility. Yet he can play whenever he wants, afford to do fun things with the kids, and have no real worries. Yes, I'm whining about it. No, I don't care.
School. That's another source of frustration for me right now. I feel like I've spent the last year of my life taking classes that are virtually useless to apply to my career. Not only that, but the profession I chose to go into is, of course, experiencing a setback due to our ever-crappy economy. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough, smart enough, or experienced enough for what I'm doing. I fear I'll never get a teaching job, especially when I see people around me who, in my opinion, shouldn't be going into the teaching field at all, getting them. It makes me want to rip out all of my hair. I feel like if I don't find a job very soon, I will have failed. More on that later.
Faith. I am really struggling with faith right now. I feel as if I'm drifting in a lot of ways, and the impending end of my educational career is not helping that any. I guess I feel that if I can find some grounding, that might help this feeling. I want to find a church. I am hoping that if I can find some place to feel like I fit in, the transition between school and career might not be so difficult. The relationship I am experiencing with my family is not helping this feeling any right now, either. Also, I have always felt like church on Sunday mornings was a good opportunity to find some peace and centering within myself. It was a chance to reflect on choices I've made throughout the week, think about where I wanted to go for the week to come, and resolve to move on toward that goal. Yes, I know it's possible to do that in some other application, but I have yet to do so. It's so difficult to do things like that when you have a family and life is always so demanding. My biggest frustration is that I am really apprehensive about going to church (especially a new one) alone. I keep asking Toby to go with me, and he says he will, and then backs out at the last minute. I'm going to quit asking. It's obvious that it isn't as important to him, and really, if it were THAT important to me I would go alone. I know that.
Lastly, family. While this is a constant source of frustration for me, there is a silver lining. I am working to distance the relationship I have with my father and stepmother. I am tired of feeling like the heavy in the relationship and I also feel as if I'm constantly being used, berated, and neglected by them. They really don't want to know who I am, they just want what they can get from me. Not anymore. On the other hand, it's been a big awakening for me. And my relationship with my mother is changing for the better. I honestly feel closer to her right now than I ever have. And it's happened literally in the span of about two months. Amazing.
I try very hard not to whine about my situation. For the most part, it's due to the choices I've made and how I've reacted to them. But every now and then, I just need to let out what bothers me and hope it makes me feel better for having done so.
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