Fly, Little Bird

My son decided several months ago that he wanted to live with his father. My knee-jerk reaction was to tell him no. How could the little boy I've nurtured and loved for the last 12 years want to leave me so soon? Was I a bad mother? What have I not done for him? How could his deadbeat father be a better parent than me?

But as the school year closed and summer got closer, I began to relent. Partially because when I originally told him no, he became surly, withdrawn, and caustic to be around. I could tell he was unhappy here and he was unhappy with me. And to be fair, every conversation with him was an argument and the relationship between he and his sister was full of fights. I realized that he felt like he didn't really fit in here. He wanted to know his dad better, to be part of his life more. I remember feeling that way about my own mom, and never having the opportunity to explore my feelings. I knew I had to let him go--at least for the summer.

But after a couple of weeks with his dad, he came back a different kid. He was confrontational, sarcastic, and all he ever wanted to do was play video games. He's become more like his father in just a matter of days. He's decided that he wants to live there full time. He wants to change schools and move 60 miles away. Where I won't see him every day. And I am despondent. I miss the boy I used to know. I feel like a complete failure as a mother. And I'm heartbroken. I just feel like crying, pretty much all the time. I've been in a rather severe depression, compounded by my utter lack of gainful employment at the moment.

And today, even though he is here visiting for two weeks, he told me he wants to go home early. If I say no, I'm the bad guy. If I say yes, I feel cheated of my time with him.I really have no other choice but to say yes. Because really, what matters is that he's happy and getting the things he needs.

I have to admit that things are much more peaceful now that he lives with his dad. But I feel like such a failure at my life. When did I lose control of everything? Where did I go so horribly wrong?

I hate this. I miss him. But if I don't let him stretch his wings, I may spend years regretting it. I have to let him go and trust that the values I instilled in him will shine through someday.

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