Mothers Day

I hate Mothers Day.

There, I said it.

While I LOVE being a mom, I hate the pageantry and over-expectations of having to celebrate my mom(s) one day a year. And it's not for the reason you might think. I'm not about to say, "We should celebrate our moms every day, not just on Mothers Day." While that may be true for some, it feels like a different story for me.

I have kind of a unique situation. You see, I have two moms. One of them rarely speaks to me, doesn't reach out to spend time with me, and basically abandoned me as a child. I saw her every other weekend, but she usually had something else to do during my time with her. I feel cheated out of a relationship with her, but it is what it is. By now, I've gotten used to it, and I take what she can offer. Which admittedly, isn't much.

The other mom, my stepmother, is at the other end of the spectrum. She's controlling, manipulative, rules with fear, and makes me feel guilty about nearly everything I say or do. She's self-centered and likes to make sure that everyone else feels less in her presence.

So, what do I really have to celebrate here?

This day gives me no end of anxiety. I struggle through it every year, usually trying to find some way to avoid participating. But, I usually give in and head to my stepmother to pay homage anyway. I generally don't see my mom, since she is off doing her own thing anyway. Sometimes I call her.

Yesterday, I made the conscious decision not to call. Not to visit. Not to send a gift.

I KNOW this is going to have repercussions with my stepmother. I know that my family will look down on me and berate me for not being their version of loyal. They will talk behind my back and smile to my face. They will call me ungrateful and treat me like an outsider--but how is that any different than any other time of the year?

Lately, I have been working toward distancing myself from them. I am tired of feeling like a prisoner in my own family. I always feel like I have a part to play and I can't ever be who I truly am. Because if I behave like I want to, I will be ostracized and ridiculed. So, either I choose myself and my own needs, or I choose to bend to their will.

This decision sucks. Mothers Day sucks.

PS: Madi gave me the best gift yesterday. Not only did she take me to afternoon tea, but made me a book of all the things she loves about me. As I said, I love BEING a mom, but hate trying to please/love/cajole my own mothers. 

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