First, Love Yourself

Sometimes I wonder why I keep going. I can usually handle the parenting of two children that have some very specific challenges the way mine do. I can usually keep my patience, remind myself that I am only one person and that I am doing my best. But right now, I have just had enough. My almost-thirteen year old is so obstinate...all the time. And she seems to constantly have it out for me. She has taken to blatantly telling me no, with teenage attitude and all. The thing is, I'm not sure how I managed to lose control in our relationship. I may not have always been a consistent parent, but in the last 5 years that has really changed. I just don't understand why something as simple as washing the dishes has to turn into all-out war. If I challenge her, it will be an all-night battle. If I let her off, she wins. Either way, I lose. And the fact is that I still need her help. I'm exhausted, I've had little sleep, she's trying every nerve I've got, and I just want he...

No matter how much I do, there always seems to be more! I probably shouldn't have spent last weekend out at the coast, but I feel like I really needed to take the opportunity to get to know my mom more. We've been unable to bridge a gap between us for about the last 12 years, and for the first time we're really trying to talk to one another. There were so many factors that made our relationship what it is, some of which being things that happened during my childhood. But I have realized recently that I am never going to be content unless I can forgive and make the best of the relationship I can have with her. So, I've been trying to cultivate one. We spent a day together last week, and then we spent the weekend together this past weekend. I have to say that I am cautiously optimistic about the way things are going. It's possible that for the first time in my life, I might have a mother. Now, that may not seem important to someone in their thirties. I mean, do I real...

Things are far busier than I had anticipated for the summer. Graduate school is a lot of work, but it's going to be worth it in the end. I loved last week, where the class was farmed out to various schools in the region for summer school tutoring. It really made me feel a lot better about things, after many weeks of lessons in theory, but not much in the way of practice. I find the class we are taking this past week to be mostly pointless, especially for someone with a background in English or Reading. I think they should have required this for all of the non-humanities oriented majors, but it's complete review for me. I already know how to read aloud to students, and I already have a background in literacy. The daily journal we have to write is at least interesting, though. It gives me a good way to get my thoughts out on paper. I may continue that beyond this class, if I can find the time. I also liked the Literacy Bag assignment, where everyone placed items contributing to t...

Sometimes, significant events of my life play in my memory like a movie. Certain things can trigger them. For instance, I just heard a song that reminded me of the last day I saw my ex-husband before we moved in separate directions. We had met at our then apartment to go through things, sort out what was mine and what was his, in effect compartmentalizing our relationship into material things. It was actually the first time in years we had been able to stand in the same room and have a civil conversation. I then drove him to the bus stop, and as he was getting out of the car, he accidentally said "I love you," an old habit from when we were together. He realized his mistake, and although I pretended not to hear, I saw him in the rearview mirror standing there and watching as I drove away from him. I remember that moment of my life as clearly as if it had happened yesterday. It's not necessarily the most pleasant part of my memory, but it was a defining moment in my life, ...

Well, the glow from graduation is beginning to fade, and I am realizing that I actually have a Bachelors degree. I have had a couple of weeks off now, and I think I'm ready to dive back in and get to work. A lot of things have happened in regards to school all at once today. My head is still spinning, but it's kind of a good feeling. For starters, I had an interview at the school I may potentially be placed at for student teaching today. I left the interview excited and renewed about both why I was becoming a teacher and about the age group I want to teach. Not long after leaving the interview, I received an email from them indicating that I should have a placement there by the end of the day tomorrow. Part of the reason it's so exciting is that I will have the opportunity to be an employee of the district as a substitute teacher while I'm doing my student teaching and practicum. This means I can make some money and do my Masters at the same time! It really is a blessin...

Cause I need some Hallelujahs to be sung! I *just* finished my last homework of my last day of my last semester of my undergraduate career! Holy moly! Also, I went to the PLU library last night at around 10pm, and they couldn't check out my books initially, because apparently they had already changed me over to being a graduate student...before I even graduate! That was quick. They got it figured out, and I got the books I needed, so no harm done! Now, I have the most amazing weekend planned! Here is what it looks like: Saturday: School of Arts and Communications Reception Pinning Ceremony for my Music honors Gonyea reception at the President's house Music celebration Sunday: Church service for graduates (it's fun to go to a religious school!) Brunch with the fam GRADUATION! (OMG! FTW!) PARTY! (DOUBLE FTW!) Monday: Folklife! Tina and I are taking the kids, anyone else wanna meet us there? Tuesday: Picnic at the lake with my hubby and munchkins Wednesday: NOTHING NOTHING NOT...

It's hard for me to believe that it's been four years since Toby and I got married. It either seems like it's been no time at all or forever. That may sound strange, but I guess lately I have been thinking about where I am versus where I've come from. I feel like I blink my eyes and I'm four years older, and I've been with Toby for only a moment. It feels like we are just getting started with our life together. But then I realize that it's been four years, and though that may not seem like very long, I have grown exponentially since we met. And I know that a lot of the reason I am where I am in life (which is such a better position than what I used to be in) is due to Toby. He has encouraged me and believed in me since the beginning of our relationship. He gives me the self-confidence I wish I had had on my own from the beginning. He's helped me with my homework, sometimes from a thousand miles away and in the wee hours of the morning. He's made me o...

I seem to be averaging one post a month lately. That really should change.  To catch you up, dear readers, my surgery went well, and I am recovering nicely. No word on the tumors yet, and whether they were benign or not, but I am managing to mostly not worry about them. They are out of my body, which means they are no longer harmful to me. I am grappling with the realization that my childbearing days are over, and although I am not sure I ever wanted to have another child, it's hard to reconcile myself to the fact that I couldn't even if I wanted to. Perhaps that seems silly, but I've been told it's a common way to feel after a hysterectomy--especially for someone so young. My emotions regarding all this are more than the loss of my womanhood, although that is certainly a large part.  This is my second bout with cancer. I have been incredibly lucky both times in that it has been caught very early. But I can't help worrying what might have happened. Maybe it's me...